Well, here I am again, not wanting to go to work but wanting to stay home and write instead.  I think my theory is correct.  When I am extremely dissatisfied with the work situation, I want to avoid it and bury my head in blogging, writing, finding creativity.  When things are okay at work and I am feeling as though I am doing something worthwhile and rewarding, I don't feel the need to stay home and hide out with my laptop so much.  The thing is, it is very rare that I feel that my work is satisfying.  I have been having this feeling that I have been neglecting my creative side for some time now but I have just been pushing it aside on my way out the door to the office in the mornings.  I need to be better at finding a balance because my creative side eventually starts nagging at me when I'm sitting at the office or, waking me up at four in the morning, as it has been doing for about a week, letting me know that it is feeling ignored I guess. 

I went back to the Artist's Way today to try to figure out how I got derailed.  The last week I worked on it was the week about recovering a sense of integrity.  This was the week during which an assignment was to not read anything for a week.  This was extremely difficult.  Because of the nature of my business, it was impossible not to read. Now, Ms. Cameron might dispute me on this but I absolutely could not go a week without reading for work.  End of discussion.  So, during that week I went to work as usual and read all of the usually negative or stress inducing material that I have to read for work but then did not have the outlet of coming home and reading something for enjoyment to offset it.  I think that is why I lost my focus and got off track.  Yes, I know Ms. Cameron gave a whole list of things I could have done instead of reading, like knitting (which I don't know how to do), cleaning out closets, listening to music; I guess I didn't do enough of those other things to give me the same kind of calming feeling that I get from reading for a spell before I go to bed at night.  However, as I'm writing from my recollection right now, I have no idea what really happened.  Maybe I just needed to give myself more time to do the exercises rather than trying to strictly stick to the weekly schedule.  Oh, and also I got distracted by my relationship and my boyfriend moving in.  I love that he is here. I love him.  Just having a bit of a struggle sticking with activities I used to do when I had the house all to myself.

I was giving myself time to get used to the new system around the house but I think it's time to get back to my routines.  I definitely need to get back to doing the Artist's Way workshop.  And to my morning pages.  Haven't been doing that either.  I'm also thinking about starting an entirely new blog on a different subject.  But I also have those books I've started writing and need to finish.  See, here's the dilemma:  how many writing projects should I work on at one time?  Is it better to just write, no matter what? Or should I limit myself and force myself to complete one project at a time? I worry if I do that, I will become resentful and resistant and accomplish nothing whereas if I can simply write whenever and wherever, the words will flow and the projects will complete themselves in due course.   If anyone is actually reading this and has any experience or advice they'd like to share, I would welcome it!

Procrastination

Procrastination.  Lack of focus.  Ambiguity.  Apathy.  Dreaming of being anyplace but where I am, at my office, pretending to work.  It's amazing how I can learn to see right through the piles of papers and files sitting on my desk screaming for my attention.  I see them but their significance does not even register.  It's like how married couples who see each other every day don't really see each other anymore.  Nothing pressing.  No, they don't represent real people with real problems.  That's what I tell myself.  I can't focus anyway, my head's not in it, or my heart's not in it.  So it's better to do something else and get to them when I can actually focus on them and put the appropriate conscientious work into them.  Not doing them any favors just going through the motions, doing sloppy, half-hearted work.  That's what I tell myself.

Much prefer to think about what I'm thinking about and feel what I'm feeling without the distraction of other people's issues, dramas and problems clouding everything up.  It's a gloomy day.  Makes me want to take a nap.  It rained for about ten seconds; I heard it.  That too makes me want to take a nap.  The holidays approach.  I want to go home and begin preparing for them.  I want to put up my Christmas tree.  I know it's only November 8th but I want to do it anyway.  I want, I want, I want.  Who cares but me? 

Depressing.  Depression.  People out of work.  People losing their homes.  Good, responsible, people that I know would work if they could, would pay their mortgages if they could.  I shouldn't complain about my job.  It pays, sometimes.  I have an income.  I am grateful for that.  Grateful for the autonomy that "working for myself" affords.  Sad that others have nothing.  So I work for others who have nothing and get nothing in return.  Except that if I didn't help them, I would feel badly.  So, getting nothing monetarily is, in a sense, better than feeling badly.  Sometimes.  Depends on who it is.