Well, here I am again, not wanting to go to work but wanting to stay home and write instead.  I think my theory is correct.  When I am extremely dissatisfied with the work situation, I want to avoid it and bury my head in blogging, writing, finding creativity.  When things are okay at work and I am feeling as though I am doing something worthwhile and rewarding, I don't feel the need to stay home and hide out with my laptop so much.  The thing is, it is very rare that I feel that my work is satisfying.  I have been having this feeling that I have been neglecting my creative side for some time now but I have just been pushing it aside on my way out the door to the office in the mornings.  I need to be better at finding a balance because my creative side eventually starts nagging at me when I'm sitting at the office or, waking me up at four in the morning, as it has been doing for about a week, letting me know that it is feeling ignored I guess. 

I went back to the Artist's Way today to try to figure out how I got derailed.  The last week I worked on it was the week about recovering a sense of integrity.  This was the week during which an assignment was to not read anything for a week.  This was extremely difficult.  Because of the nature of my business, it was impossible not to read. Now, Ms. Cameron might dispute me on this but I absolutely could not go a week without reading for work.  End of discussion.  So, during that week I went to work as usual and read all of the usually negative or stress inducing material that I have to read for work but then did not have the outlet of coming home and reading something for enjoyment to offset it.  I think that is why I lost my focus and got off track.  Yes, I know Ms. Cameron gave a whole list of things I could have done instead of reading, like knitting (which I don't know how to do), cleaning out closets, listening to music; I guess I didn't do enough of those other things to give me the same kind of calming feeling that I get from reading for a spell before I go to bed at night.  However, as I'm writing from my recollection right now, I have no idea what really happened.  Maybe I just needed to give myself more time to do the exercises rather than trying to strictly stick to the weekly schedule.  Oh, and also I got distracted by my relationship and my boyfriend moving in.  I love that he is here. I love him.  Just having a bit of a struggle sticking with activities I used to do when I had the house all to myself.

I was giving myself time to get used to the new system around the house but I think it's time to get back to my routines.  I definitely need to get back to doing the Artist's Way workshop.  And to my morning pages.  Haven't been doing that either.  I'm also thinking about starting an entirely new blog on a different subject.  But I also have those books I've started writing and need to finish.  See, here's the dilemma:  how many writing projects should I work on at one time?  Is it better to just write, no matter what? Or should I limit myself and force myself to complete one project at a time? I worry if I do that, I will become resentful and resistant and accomplish nothing whereas if I can simply write whenever and wherever, the words will flow and the projects will complete themselves in due course.   If anyone is actually reading this and has any experience or advice they'd like to share, I would welcome it!

Procrastination

Procrastination.  Lack of focus.  Ambiguity.  Apathy.  Dreaming of being anyplace but where I am, at my office, pretending to work.  It's amazing how I can learn to see right through the piles of papers and files sitting on my desk screaming for my attention.  I see them but their significance does not even register.  It's like how married couples who see each other every day don't really see each other anymore.  Nothing pressing.  No, they don't represent real people with real problems.  That's what I tell myself.  I can't focus anyway, my head's not in it, or my heart's not in it.  So it's better to do something else and get to them when I can actually focus on them and put the appropriate conscientious work into them.  Not doing them any favors just going through the motions, doing sloppy, half-hearted work.  That's what I tell myself.

Much prefer to think about what I'm thinking about and feel what I'm feeling without the distraction of other people's issues, dramas and problems clouding everything up.  It's a gloomy day.  Makes me want to take a nap.  It rained for about ten seconds; I heard it.  That too makes me want to take a nap.  The holidays approach.  I want to go home and begin preparing for them.  I want to put up my Christmas tree.  I know it's only November 8th but I want to do it anyway.  I want, I want, I want.  Who cares but me? 

Depressing.  Depression.  People out of work.  People losing their homes.  Good, responsible, people that I know would work if they could, would pay their mortgages if they could.  I shouldn't complain about my job.  It pays, sometimes.  I have an income.  I am grateful for that.  Grateful for the autonomy that "working for myself" affords.  Sad that others have nothing.  So I work for others who have nothing and get nothing in return.  Except that if I didn't help them, I would feel badly.  So, getting nothing monetarily is, in a sense, better than feeling badly.  Sometimes.  Depends on who it is. 

Headache

Have had a headache that will not go away.  I have also been having disturbances in vision which I can only describe as viewing my world as though it were appearing upon the surface of a pool of water and that someone has dragged a stick accross it, causing it to ripple and distort.  An interesting perspective on life but not one I want to have for the long term. Going to the doctor later. Probably shouldn't be staring at this computer screen but I'm feeling that creative "itch" today. It's been coming on for a while and now it is nagging at me.  I wish I felt this way every day so that I could discipline myself to write every day.  But unfortunately, sometimes I just wake up and don't even think about it or the thought is fleeting and I do nothing about it.  How can I expect to be a writer if I don't write?  On the other hand, I'm feeling better about my work life and am slowly coming to the conclusion that when things are going well at work I don't want to write as much.  So basically I have to miserable and hate my job in order to pursue writing.  I need to rectify that. I need to be able to enjoy my work and also enjoy writing and allow these two different aspects of my life to feed off each other.  Will work on this.  Short entry.  Not very substantive but an effort to continue with writing.  Plus, I have three different places in which I deposit my writing and haven't used this one much lately.  Throwing my blog a bone...

The Daydreamer Versus the Reality Dweller

I've turned out not to be the best Blogger in the World, as evidenced by the nearly two-month lapse in entries.  I have also strayed from the path I was on in other ways as well.  Not to worry, I figure I just took a little side trip and stopped off at a scenic overlook.  The view is great but I still haven't resolved anything.  In fact, I think I'm even more confused than ever.  Keep working?  Stop working and take time off to write my book?  Keep working and write my book?  Go back to school?  These are just a few of the options that I'm weighing right now.  I've heard it said that all you have to do is leap and the net will appear.  But I always kind of figured that if I was going to take that leap of faith, I'd better make sure that it is for something about which I am truly passionate.  At this point, I don't know what that is anymore. I've hit a bit of a rough patch of indifference and vagueness.  I think this is how a depression starts and, aside from the fact that depression could derail all the progress I've made thus far, I'm frankly not in the mood for it and am determined not to let it take hold.    The answer will come.  I just have to believe it and remain open to all opportunities.  I'm turning into a Daydreamer who can't seem to focus on just one daydream.  There are so many of them with so many different themes and lovely outcomes, I'm just indulging them all and believe that eventually one of them will begin to overshadow the rest and then that will be the path I'm meant to continue on.  In the meantime, the daydreams prompt me to investigate and explore and this is bliss.

Searching

Searching, searching.  Wondering if I will know when I have found it.  Casting my net in many different directions.  When the net fills, will I know if there's something in it worth keeping or will I know when to throw it back and try again?

Still working on my Artist's Way exercises.  But all of this self-reflection has got me thinking about so much more than just finishing the novel I started long ago.  I'm taking the initiative to investigate all that this World has to offer.  Different types of people and lifestyles.  Different ways of earning a living.  What my true intrests are and how I can use my current skills to get into that field.  Investigating, Googling, Calling, Asking.  It seems this little exploration into my creativity has led me to more questions than answers.  And something tells me this is just the beginning.

So, I ask again:  How will I know when I've found the answer I've been seeking? 

Well, here I am into my second week of being a Blogger and doing my creativity workshop.  Last week the focus was on rediscovering a sense of safety so that I could feel free to explore my creativity without fear.  There is a lot of trepidation associated with trying to strike out in a different direction.  I have a career, a very logical, and some would say enviable, career.  It is stressful and inolves lots of responsibility and hard work and leaves me feeling unappreciated, used, abused, and unfulfilled.  So thinking about leaving that career is necessary for my mental and emotional well-being but also very scary.  I do have to earn a living after all.  Thinking about trying to move my life in a more creative direction (which could mean anything and evokes the "starving artist" image) is terrifying. There is also the fear of rejection and the fear of being judged by others (most of whom also get the same "starving artist" image in their heads when they think of someone trying to earn a living as a creative person).  Part of feeling safe, for me, involves telling only a select few people about what I'm doing.  Well, them and anybody who happens upon my blog and takes the time to read it.  But, as I am anonymous to them, there is still a sense that I can put my thoughts out there without fear.  In order to keep my sense of safety, I've felt it necessary to go into a bit of a self-imposed seclusion.  Spending lots of time at home alone, just my computer, books, pen and paper.  And, of course, my cat who has been my steadfast companion for nearly 14 years.  I had a boyfriend but that was beginning to fizzle out when I started on this trek and so that has fortuitously fallen by the wayside.  Probably for the best as I do not need that distraction or complication. I'll leave discussions of my unsatisfactory love life for another time as my focus for now must be squarely upon me and me alone. 

This brings me to the focus for this week, which is rediscovering a sense of identity.  Sadly, at the age of 37, I can't say that I truly know who I am.  I once thought I did but now I'm just not so sure.  Ms. Cameron points out at the beginning of the chapter on rediscovering a sense of identity that during this time, "[y]ou may find yourself drawing new boundaries and staking out new territories as your personal needs, desires, and interests announce themselves."   How true.  Reference my self-imposed seclusion.  If holing up inside the four walls of my home isn't staking out my territory, I don't know what is.  While sitting at home, I've been prone to entertaining fantasy and allowing my inner daydreamer the run of the place.  What fun!  And of course, writing like a woman possessed.  Much of it is just aimless rambling but I figure at some point the aimless rambling will eventually take on some kind of direction and that is the whole aim of this process for me.  Also, as I have often talked myself out of things by judging them too harshly and long before they had a chance to take shape, I am determined to just let the things that I create be what they are when they are.  No judgment.  No expectations.  I'm learning to live in the moment and so I will let my creativity live in the moment too.

Inspiration, Motivation, Creation

As I'm thinking more about this foray into my creativity and the direction I need to be steering my life, I have been thinking a lot about the idea that we are what we eat.  Although, in this sense I mean we are what we absorb into our minds and our hearts.  Years ago I discovered that I was easily influenced by images and words.  I stopped watching horror movies long ago and when a television show starts with the disclaimer that it contains graphic images that could be disturbing to some viewers, I often take the warning to heart and switch the channel.  Ugly images have a way of lodging themselves into my subconscious and causing me to be distracted and lose sleep; and I know they have a negative impact. 

Thus, I've been thinking that while I am on this journey of self-discovery, it is best to make sure that I keep myself on a steady diet of postive thoughts.  I remember the first time I was introduced to the idea that we control our thoughts and that our thoughts and feelings can impact our well-being.  I was living at home with my parents so I'm thinking I was either still in high school or perhaps home for the summer from college.  I was having a conversation with my Dad.  I'm sure I must have been complaining about something in my life and was obviously quite down.  Now, my Dad is one of the most self-confident and optimistic people I have ever met.  He never lets someone tell him he can't do something and he never told his children that we couldn't do something.  I have always admired him.  At any rate, at some point during our conversation, he walked over to one of his bookshelves and pulled down a book and handed it to me.  He told me that I needed to have a more positive attitude and that I should read this book.  It was entitled The Power of Positive Thinking and was written by Norman Vincent Peale.  This book was published in 1952, long before some of the books on the subject that people turn to today.  Though at the time, I was dubious, I did read the book and tried to put into practice some of its teachings.  But I never fully devoted myself to it. Over the years, I have read other books about positive thinking.  About a year ago, I purchased Mr. Peale's book again and reread it.  As I continue with this artistic adventure and inner reflection, there will be many more positive and inspirational words written by others which will help me to maintain my focus. I intend to give credit where credit is due and will maintain a list of these amazing books that have helped me along the way.  As this blog is still taking shape and I started it on a whim, I'm not sure where it is going to lead but I am dedicated to having its primary focus be on inspiration, motivation, and creation.  Negativity is not welcome here.