Procrastination

Procrastination.  Lack of focus.  Ambiguity.  Apathy.  Dreaming of being anyplace but where I am, at my office, pretending to work.  It's amazing how I can learn to see right through the piles of papers and files sitting on my desk screaming for my attention.  I see them but their significance does not even register.  It's like how married couples who see each other every day don't really see each other anymore.  Nothing pressing.  No, they don't represent real people with real problems.  That's what I tell myself.  I can't focus anyway, my head's not in it, or my heart's not in it.  So it's better to do something else and get to them when I can actually focus on them and put the appropriate conscientious work into them.  Not doing them any favors just going through the motions, doing sloppy, half-hearted work.  That's what I tell myself.

Much prefer to think about what I'm thinking about and feel what I'm feeling without the distraction of other people's issues, dramas and problems clouding everything up.  It's a gloomy day.  Makes me want to take a nap.  It rained for about ten seconds; I heard it.  That too makes me want to take a nap.  The holidays approach.  I want to go home and begin preparing for them.  I want to put up my Christmas tree.  I know it's only November 8th but I want to do it anyway.  I want, I want, I want.  Who cares but me? 

Depressing.  Depression.  People out of work.  People losing their homes.  Good, responsible, people that I know would work if they could, would pay their mortgages if they could.  I shouldn't complain about my job.  It pays, sometimes.  I have an income.  I am grateful for that.  Grateful for the autonomy that "working for myself" affords.  Sad that others have nothing.  So I work for others who have nothing and get nothing in return.  Except that if I didn't help them, I would feel badly.  So, getting nothing monetarily is, in a sense, better than feeling badly.  Sometimes.  Depends on who it is.